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Thursday, April 28, 2005

There are days, I must admit, that I don't know what to do with the lonliness. Days where no kid comes home and days where there is not much to plan for. That lonliness has a great deal to do with purpose. I have spent many days alone, but always with the idea that I was working for and towards. Suddenly with the last one getting ready to graduate, all that purpose seems to be vanishing and in its wake is a lot of nostalgia and melancholy. Empty nest syndrome rears its ugly head again and it was too damn hard getting through it before. I am not a "clutcher" so I let them go with smiles and godspeed, and I really, really mean that. But there is nowhere to move onto now for me, for us - must work longer, must deal with issues of life, must keep going. Only now it seems less fun, more bleak. Middle age is causing "middle musings" and those musing are not bringing the answers. Where to go? What to do? How even to be! Purpose is a heavy word - even the sound of it is heavy when it rolls around your tongue. But, I like purpose. I like feeling purposeful. And, when everything changes, when your definition no longer fits (especially the definition you like), well, life is confusing. Coming out on the other end will happen, but right now it just feels heavily unpuproseful and I miss what was.
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Friday, April 08, 2005

Right now I wish I could talk to Michael Moore, because right now he is doing work on a movie about the big pharmacutical companies, and because right now I would like to contribute. It is a very difficult thing to be given a diagnosis and it is even more difficult in today's age to know what to do with that diagnosis BECAUSE the discussion stops with - take this drug. There is no talk about who you are, what your life is like, what your feelings are or what the alternatives are. All you get are words spit out at you from some drug makers pamphlet. How annoying is this!!!!! So, OK, a little background. I have been diagnosed with osteoporosis. I have spent the last month being scared and a good deal of it doing research. I have been told by two doctors now to take the latest drug despite the fact that the testing is still not complete, they don't have all the answers, there are major side effects, and oh yes, let's not forget that it might actually over the long term make bones more brittle. I have been made to feel guilty because I am little, blonde, smoke, and didn't do weight training. Do we take into account that I am a dance teacher and teach 15 classes a week, that I had an ovary removed (goodbye estrogen), that I eat well, and work like crazy in my home and garden? NO! I just fit the stereotype. And why? Well, let's see. Could it be that after pumping women with hormone replacement therapy for years and years that they finally went- oh my this stuff isn't that good for you. So, what do the drug companies do now? Well, they find another vunerable spot for women - brittle bones. And, they run ads in magazines, TV, newspapers scaring us with how we are going to break into tiny little pieces. Effective? You bet! Who wouldn't be scared? And, a scan is devised to measure bone loss - wow, how many of these are done! And, the scan compares you to a 25 year old woman at peak bone density. AND, what do the doctors do? They give you the wonderful pill that Merk is now making big bucks on BECAUSE so many women are now saying no to HRT. So, does anyone give me alternatives? Does anyone say to do weight training? Does anyone advise me on how much or what form of calcium to take? NO! They say take this pill, and when I voice my concerns they say, well that is concerning, but oh well, that is all we have. So, what is a woman left with? Fear, guilt, misunderstandings! Big business? You bet! Now, I am not about to not take this seriously. I am too active a woman to let this one slide by me. Yeh, I am stressing, yeh, I am scared, yeh I know this can be serious. But, I also know that I refused HRT and I am not willing to buy into this drug yet either. So, what does one do? Well, you get researching - looking at everything you can find, talking to as many women that you can. And, lo and behold you find a natural compound, much like calcium that your body has and needs more of, and you find that you can buy it online. And, you realize that it is NOT quackery BECAUSE it has been written up in The New England Journal of Medicine and when mentioned to the doc he says - well, yeh, I saw that article, but didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it!!!!!!!!!!! And, you read what New York's own Dr. Hoffman has to say about it and you read what other natural doctors are saying and you find yourself being your own doctor. And, somewhere along the line you realize that you have time. That despite what the drug companies want you to believe you are not going to break into tiny pieces in the next few years. You realize that this natural compound not only protects bones, but actually rebuilds them! Why would the drug companies want that to happen? Geez, no more Fosomax on the market!!!!! I am not anti drug by any means. I do know that there are amazing, dedicated doctors out there who are trying their best. I do know that there are scientists working away in labs for drug companies who really care and want to help. What I rail against is the CEO's of these companies who are NOT doctors and are only in it for the buck. I rail against an insurance and legal system that has doctors so scared that they can not even speak to a patient honestly anymore. AND, I rail against the insanity done to women. So, onward I go with a plan my husband and I devised on our own through a lot of research. I try it naturally for a year and retest. If it has not improved or is worse I will have to rethink my plan. But, if in some distant future they find that this drug has harmed women I will be pounding on Michael Moore's door and I will help him lead another charge!
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