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Thursday, December 23, 2004

A most blessed and happy holiday season to ALL!

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Just days before today's horrific attack on our soldiers in Iraq, Bush was voted Time Magazines Man of the Year! What are we thinking????? And, now, AFTER the elections, latest polls show that support for this war and Bush's handling of it are way down! Well, isn't that interesting! Where were these people when it was time to vote????? I am sickened by all of this - just sickened and my heart goes out to those families who will now spend their holidays devastated by loss. I ask again - FOR WHAT?

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I have a very dear friend whom I do treasure even though we are miles apart politically and socially. My oldest son often marvels at this, yet friends enter our lives for different reasons at different times. She recently turned 65 and being the wife of an ex marine officer, was using a local military clinic to handle her medical problems. She found out today that she will no longer be accepted there due to the high cost of the war and the high cost of treating the returning wounded. She was irate and discouraged as one doctor was following her case and she must now seek a civilian doctor. Though my heart has gone out to her so many times over the course of our friendship, I could not let this moment pass (they voted for Bush, support him, re-voted for him and slammed Kerry every chance they could - especially for his actions after Vietnam). So, I said - "Well, everyone wanted this war and this is just one of the results of it". Not scathing, I confess, but given the extent of our friendship, this was a big leap for me. Let's hope my oldest is proud of me, but more importantly, let's hope my words meant something.

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I probably have a heart that is much bigger than my brain. Quite possibly I have always known this to be true, although I certainly do not consider myself to be unintelligent. It is just that I often think with my heart first. Sometimes that gets me into trouble, but most of the time I am proud of that and do not wish it away. However, the end of the year (and maybe my time in life) is forcing me to make changes in that. I have given so much of myself away these past two years that there is little left over for me. I have felt pulled in many, many directions with people needing me, and often with very little concern over where I am. I am always glad to help, always there to listen, always willing to give support. And, rarely, until now, have I expected back. I do not believe that one gives in order to get. But, when someone knows that I am in need and still expects to get without even a thought to ask how things are with me, well, it is time to say goodbye to that. There are only so many little pieces of me to go around and right now I am scattered outwardly and inwardly. So, ask me to take on another class because you don't want to teach these kids and ask me to do it on one of my free mornings without ever giving a good damn about any part of me - the answer is NO! Ask me to care about what is happening in your life when you have totally forgotten that I have one - the answer is NO! Ask me to stop what I am doing to hear one more moan and groan without caring to hear any of mine - the answer is NO! Ask me to rejoice with you over something wonderful when you can not show up to my celebration - the answer is NO! Ask me to understand, sympathize, give advice when you can't even say hello to me - the answer is NO! It is time for me to take back me and give of me to the people who need and love me most. And, I will not feel ashamed and I will not feel guilty. No one else seems to! And, I am pretty sure that God will understand because he knows my heart and he knows that to be there for others again, that this lady needs to be there for herself for a friggin' change!

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Friday, December 03, 2004

I need very much today to write out my grief, for I don't know quite what else to do with it. This past month has brought us tremendous losses and there seems nowhere to put them away. At the moment, it seems hard to see the happy through all the sad, although I know it is there waiting.

I lost a dear friend - a woman I could laugh with, share with, rejoice with, bitch with, and all those wonderful things women give to one another. The interesting part about this friendship is that it is was an internet one - sort of like the pen pals of old. But, it could not have been any richer or any more real. She loved gardens and so do I, she loved her sons and so do I, she loved her husband and so do I, she loved her home and so do I, she loved life and so do I. She died of a massive heart attack during Nutcracker and I went through that day of rehearsals and on into performances in a fog. For now, the computer is often my enemy as I know no letter awaits, no silly words to brighten my day, no one to tell some secrets to. The blank screen is a difficult one to bear.

On Thursday we attended the funeral of another friend. We knew he and his wife when we were first married and living in the same apartments and from there are lives continued to cross . The biggest crossings came as we shared the same beach condo complex and reconnected in ways we had never done before. We were not "best" friends, but the friendship was deep and caring none the less. The hardest part about this was its affect on Bryan - our 17 year old. He and this man shared a special bond and how blessed Bryan was to have had him in his life. They would sit on the beach together just talking - just talking, but oh what that gives to a teen. And this man's face would light up when he saw Bryan and his welcome was warm and deep. It is so difficult to sit in a church and watch your son's face crumble, to watch the tears roll down his cheeks. And to hear the words from a grief stricken wife say to Bryan - He so admired you Bryan, he so admired you. What a gift this man was, what a loss this is for us and for so many, many people he touched. He was a man that made artistry out of sand - spent hours creating horses, and dragons, and people out of the beach sand for all the children to enjoy. And, he never turned a child away from helping - never. The waves may have washed away his creations, but what he has left in the heart can never be washed away. Just as with the empty computer screen, the beach will have its own big whole this summer.

And then there are family worries for one of us that has not felt well. That is all I can say, but the grief of that too is horrendous to carry.

We go into the holidays not quite on steady feet. Life gives us hard lessons and burdens of great challenge. But, the holidays are a time of light and from that light we wish to draw hope, and courage, and the will to try harder, give more, touch deeper, so that we may honor and praise the love they so freely shared. It is for us to learn from them and for us to touch the living souls along the way.

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