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Friday, April 23, 2004

Just when you are feeling the most alone and scared, something sweet comes into your life - a phone call from your baby grandson and a son saying - just thought you could use a talk with your grandson, and that is followed up by a call from your mom where you laugh and talk like you haven't in ages. How is it known that you needed this? Is it just that these people know you, or is there some grander design. I would like to think it is a grander design, whatever that may be, for it somehow connects us through thought and love.

My son wrote a blog today about inventing new words. He is a word lover and I enjoy how he enjoys language. There is a word that I came across several years ago when I seemed to really be needing it - serendipity. What a wonderful word - it just sort of rolls off your tongue, out of your mouth, and makes you feel good. Meaning? Discovered by luck or chance. I like to think of it as something that happens to you when you are hungering -a kindness, that five dollar bill that lets you treat yourself, the answer you have been looking for, a person who enters your life at the right moment. Think about your life and all the wonderful times that serendipity has happened to you. And, when you feel alone or scared, let serendipity float through your brain, let it roll out of your mouth. And, don't go looking for it, just know that it will happen. For that is the magic of serendipity and the marvel of words.
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Thursday, April 22, 2004

I don't understand why everything seems to happen at once! You go along for a certain length of time (never long enough) and then things start to fall apart - one thing after another until your head is spinning, your bones are weary, and your stamina is shaky. And just when you think you are seeing the end for awhile, boom, you get socked with something else. A friend of mine who has known great tragedy in her life claims that you can get through the big things, it's the little things that pull and drag you down. I haven't quite figured out if she is right yet. I just know that a little space and time would feel awfully good right about now!
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Friday, April 16, 2004

I am wondering if anyone is feeling the pain of the loss of life in Iraq? Not, the "yeh, that is sad" kind of pain, but the deep pain that comes from realizing that another life is lost and with it all the lives that touched that person. Someone doesn't have a husband, wife, father, friend, brother, mother. Someone just beginning life will now not know all of the things we are blessed with everyday. That pain is so deep, so dark, so empty. I know a bit about that pain for I was a "waiting wife" during Vietnam. I know the day to day agony of worry, I know what it is like to lose friends AND I know what it is like to wonder WHY? The wondering why is probably the hardest part and just as then I wish someone could tell me the why of now. It is the most bizarre feeling to hear all the same retoric, the same excuses, the same pontificating, the same reasoning. Did we learn nothing? NOTHING? My heart and soul grieves with every loss of life and I want to know - are you grieving too? Can you imagine that life that would have been? Do you wonder what that family is feeling, if they need help, how they will heal? Just as then, whatever your politics, your duty is to honor these people. I asked my husband - Did you worry or feel badly about what was happening back "in the world"? Did the protesting upset you? His response - "NO! What you worry about is the next bullet, getting home, protecting your guys, waking up the next morning." Please don't buy the BS that if we speak up, if we vote, if we care that we are hurting our fighting men and women. Care, just care - it is so simple and yet how many of us forget to do that?
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OK, I admit it - I am a Yahoo game page junkie! Zuma is my new favorite, but then, I have had lots of favorites - Cubis, Dynomite, Bouncer Ball. I play and play until I have gotten good enough to become bored and then move on to something else or hopefully an added new game. The point to telling this is something deeper than just sitting in front of a computer playing games. I have come to realize, as have many younger than I, that it is great escapism - a wonderful way to decompress. Sometimes I feel that I am wasting time when all those shoulds come into play - should be getting things done, should be working on something, should, should, should. Yet, here I am, in front of a little screen blasting things out of the sky, fitting little cubes into other little cubes, or watching balls rotate in circles trying to shoot them before they get me. The interesting thing for me, however, is that not only do I escape, but I also think. While my husband can lose himself totally in free cell solitare, I think when I play. I somehow manage to think through my life as I play, think about things that are bothering me, or think about the fun things that lie ahead. So, while those shoulds creep in, I also tell myself that I am being productive, for a Yahoo game is almost forcing me to stop, get quiet, and think. With three sons, I have watched and even groaned at every new video game that came into this house - from Pong (remember that one!) to Tiger Woods on Play Station II. What did those kids know that I didn't? And, what have I now learned? There is something to be said for getting quiet, losing the world, and entering into your own. And, lest you think I am totally new to this, well, I was the Game Boy Tetris queen a few years back. Everyone needs to get lost now and then. So, play on! Other things can wait and inner life needs some attention.
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

I often wonder - How did I get here? At what moment did I cross over from young woman into middle age? How I hate that term - middle age. It sounds as if I am stuck in some life twilight zone - can't go back, but can't move forward either. Yet, that is almost exactly how I feel. I miss the me that held a child's hand crossing the street, read stories at night, and giggled through dinner. Can't go back! And, yet, parts of me are ready to move on into a more quiet place, but career and money issues hold me back. Can't go forward! Whoever said that this time in life can be sweet certainly wasn't living my life. The days seem harder, the problems bigger (or maybe it is just that I am tired of dealing with them - been there, done that waaaay too many times), and life is all a bit scarier - the loss of parents looms large as well as the loss of friends or other family members. My oldest son has referred to me as "the endless teenager". Well, I don't think I am quite THAT bad, but I know that I enjoyed my youth and still feel youthful and dread the thought of not being able to seize life when it is there. Still, there are sweetnesses all around me and part of reaching the middle of your life is understanding and apreciating those - the wonderful smell of a new grandchild, the delightful and insightful conversations with adult children, the joy in all that has been accomplished, and a sometimes new-found sense of self or elusive strenghts. But, ah, I do miss those mornings in the park with little ones, someone to take to the store and buy a new coloring book for, the alertness of my parents, and the hopes of the young, married, wife beginning life. I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a teacher, and as my sons say - a good person. I just wish that this mid-life would bring a stronger sense of security and some peacefulness of days.

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